I deleted the first one but I just need to write and get out some thoughts so I can focus on getting my school things done. 

I was frustrated and upset and I just shut down, being surrounded by drunk people would annoy anyone in that state I would think. I apologized for this behaviour twice to both of my friends and the reply I got was that they needed time to think about it. They. Plural. Only thing I did was be a bit rude to Mathias, and made ONE comment which wasn’t really that big of a deal.

The thing with me is that I’m no longer a clingy person at all anymore. I used to be when I was a kid, but I guess my mom thought I was too much of a mummy’s girl and was a bit harsh with me until I stopped. I remember when I was a kid, barely started school, and wanted to sleep in my mom’s bed. She didn’t even let me come under the comforter and she ignored me while I laid there crying. I’m aware this is nothing compared to actual abuse and all that, but after years of this it’s left me like this.

Even now the longest I can hug my mom is 2 seconds before she practically throws me off her. My sister does the same thing, which I assume is mostly because of my mom. . Sister even reacted like that when we picked her up at the airport, and she got mad at me when I told her later I wish she didn’t react like that in public. Sometimes it doesn’t even cross my mind that it’s completely normal for other people to hug and cling to each other without a second thought. Even trying to explain this makes me feel like I’m just after attention, and I hate that feeling. The less people notice me the less I get yelled at. 

Part of me feels like hugging and clinging is weak, and wanting it makes me feel weak. Asking for a hug is something incredibly rare thing for me, but right now I really need one. Instead of letting me walk off last night I wish Mathias had stopped me and given me a hug but now both of them are ignoring me. I don’t know if I should reach out to them, because once again just shutting myself off seems like the easiest thing to do to make it easier for myself.